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Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them, by Suzanne Degges-White, Judy Pochel Van Tieghem
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Good friends and healthy friendships are crucial to women's well-being at every stage of life. But what happens when a friendship turns toxic? When a friend becomes hurtful or mistreats another? When a friend abandons another in a time of need? Here, Suzanne Degges-White and Judy Pochel Van Tieghem explore such toxic friendships and how women navigate the ups and downs, as well as how broken friendships can be mended and bad friendships ended.
Explaining and illustrating the "rules of friendship" at various stages of life, the authors reveal what it takes to be a good friend, how to identify bad friends, and how to move forward when friendships turn sour. Vignettes of toxic friendship behaviors are shared, as well as tips on how best to respond to these rule-breaking friends in order to rebuild damaged relationships and repair a friendship's foundation (when appropriate) and how to decide when it's time to let go of a relationship that is bringing you down versus keeping you afloat. Information for parents is also provided, to aid them as they help their daughters navigate their friendships.
We all need friends, but knowing when and how to let go can help us all be better friends--to ourselves, and also to others.
- Sales Rank: #645907 in Books
- Published on: 2015-06-11
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.28" h x 1.02" w x 6.32" l, .0 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 280 pages
Review
In their enormously helpful and nuanced book,�Toxic Friendships, Suzanne Degges-White and Judy Pochel Van Tieghem go way beyond "mean girl" and "frenemy" stereotypes to elucidate the unspoken rules of friendship and lay out how we can effectively manage the inevitable hurt and disappointment that comes with vitally important social connections. The authors' exploration of potentially toxic friendship environments, such as the office and children's athletic teams, further enriches the reader's understanding of friendship's many complications.
Carlin Flora, author of Friendfluence
As a professional who works with friends and knows the value of friendships to my mental health, I have experienced the pain of mending and ending friendships. I wish I read�Toxic Friendships�years ago so I could have better navigated these relationships for both my sanity and success. This book is a must read for women regardless of age and stage of life.
--�Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, author of Wander Woman and The Discomfort Zone: How Leaders Turn Difficult Conversations into Breakthroughs
This book is intended as a kind of field guide to ‘toxic’ relationships of various kinds, but especially friendships among women. . . .Degges-White is a therapist as well as a professor of counseling. She has had many years of experience helping women who are trying to understand and/or extricate themselves from damaging relationships. Van Tieghem is a professional freelance writer. The authors first lay out why people need relationships and then propose ten ‘cross-cultural’ rules for maintaining healthy adult relationships and ten rules for parents who must help their children successfully navigate their own worlds of friendship. Basing their suggestions and conclusions on ‘shared stories of composite clients’ and other women contacted via a survey, the authors then take readers on a guided tour of familiar environments that are particularly prone to being toxic (e.g., the soccer field). In the last section of the book, the authors offer advice on how to gracefully bail out of a toxic relationship and how to use the rules of relationships to build healthy friendships while keeping one's integrity and sense of self intact. Summing Up: Recommended. All readers. (CHOICE)
Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them is a comprehensive, detailed and personal guidebook for tackling problematic friendships, helping us learn how to become better friends and just why it's so crucial that we do so. (Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., www.thefriendshipfix.com)
In their enormously helpful and nuanced book, Toxic Friendships, Suzanne Degges-White and Judy Pochel Van Tieghem go way beyond "mean girl" and "frenemy" stereotypes to elucidate the unspoken rules of friendship and lay out how we can effectively manage the inevitable hurt and disappointment that comes with vitally important social connections. The authors' exploration of potentially toxic friendship environments, such as the office and children's athletic teams, further enriches the reader's understanding of friendship's many complications. (Carlin Flora, author of Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are)
As a professional who works with friends and knows the value of friendships to my mental health, I have experienced the pain of mending and ending friendships. I wish I read Toxic Friendships years ago so I could have better navigated these relationships for both my sanity and success. This book is a must read for women regardless of age and stage of life. (Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, author of Wander Woman and The Discomfort Zone: How Leaders Turn Difficult Conversations into Breakthroughs)
From the Inside Flap
Good friends and healthy friendships are crucial to women's well-being at every stage of life. But what happens when a friendship turns toxic? When a friend becomes hurtful or mistreats another? When a friend abandons another in a time of need? Here, Suzanne Degges-White and Judy Pochel Van Tieghem explore such toxic friendships and how women navigate the ups and downs, as well as how broken friendships can be mended and bad friendships ended.�
Explaining and illustrating the "rules of friendship" at various stages of life, the authors reveal what it takes to be a good friend, how to identify bad friends, and how to move forward when friendships turn sour. Vignettes of toxic friendship behaviors are shared, as well as tips on how best to respond to these rule-breaking friends in order to rebuild damaged relationships and repair a friendship's foundation (when appropriate) and how to decide when it's time to let go of a relationship that is bringing you down versus keeping you afloat. Information for parents is also provided, to aid them as they help their daughters navigate their friendships. We all need friends, but knowing when and how to let go can help us all be better friends--to ourselves, and also to others.
About the Author
Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LPC, LMHC, NCC, is professor and chair of the Department of Counseling, Adult and Higher Education at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb, Illinois. She is a licensed counselor and her research interests include intimate relationships (including friendship and motherhood). She is the author of Friends Forever: How Girls and Women Forge Lasting Relationships and Mothers and Daughters: Living, Loving, and Learning over a Lifetime. She is a featured blogger on the Psychology Today website and has edited four books on counseling in the community and in schools.
Judy Pochel Van Tieghem has over three decades of experience in reporting, writing, and researching for various publications. She was awarded the Illinois Associated Press Spot News Reporter of the Year honor in 1984 and was a winner of the Kenan Business Fellowship, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, 1990. She currently resides in the Chicago suburban area, where she works as a freelance reporter.
Most helpful customer reviews
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful.
A must read on the topic of toxic friendship-with great insight into healthy friendships as well!
By Marty Babits
There are few areas more important than friendship yet, for the most part, we go through life with only the vaguest of guidelines about not only what makes them work but how and why friendship fails to blossom when that happens. We go through these painful moments often blaming ourselves without much objective perspective on what standards we can or should apply to the possibilities for trying one more time or ‘packing in’ efforts to keep a relationship going. This book provides clear-cut, well-thought out guidelines and offers up templates for comparing and contrasting standards for evaluating whether friendships are salvage-able or not, once they have become difficult. The book offers a consistently compassionate and empathic perspective to help the reader develop their own standards for when enough is enough and when it makes sense to soldier on. The overall thrust of the book—even though it features how to deal with toxic friendships—contains a thorough-going and insightful discussion of what good, healthy friendship is like. What are its characteristics? What can you expect from it? How can you identify and expand it? How can you participate in it in such a way as to keep it vibrant? This discussion is carried through on many dimensions. Including how friendship changes through the life cycle and how to balance what you give with what you receive as you go through the process of figuring out which friendships are most meaningful to you and which are expendable, or even destructive. The subject of friendship—toxic and healthy—is under-discussed in our culture. I liken it to the subject of sibling relationships, another area that is not discussed often enough but influences most of our lives tremendously. The authors of this book emphasize a quality that I will end this review mentioning: gratitude. Its power and importance in not only thinking about decisions regarding when a relationship should be continued or not, but the value of acknowledging the healing power of gratitude, in contrast to bitterness or sour grapes, even when you feel a leave-taking is in order. For this, and numerous other reasons, I am grateful to the authors for this wonderful volume. Well-written and humorous at times, it is a contribution to the expanding and ever-humanizing literature on relationship.
Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD. Author of I'm Not a Mind Reader: Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication to Make Your Relationship Better AND The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couples Guide to Renewing Your Relationship
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful.
I found the rules of friendship really useful in this book as well as the rule-by-rule guide ...
By Jamie Colbert
I found the rules of friendship really useful in this book as well as the rule-by-rule guide for parents. Toxic Friendships is packed with wisdom, good sense and practical examples that everyone can relate to. I enjoyed the tone of the book and the stories shared by women with past friendship conflicts and found it to be a helpful guide in overcoming friendship obstacles. I highly recommend it!
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